Sunday, September 19, 2010

The "breakdown"

I knew it was going to come this time around with Molly, I just didn't know when.  I actually broke down one night because I was anticipating the "breakdown".  This "breakdown" is the moment when you know longer know what to do with yourself and all is lost.  I went through this the first 3 weeks with Max from the day he was born.  With Molly I was fine.  I thought, Heavenly Father must have blessed me with this angel because he knew I would have a melt down if she was anything like Max.  Well, it was day 13 and I finally broke down.  Molly had been screaming because of a tummy ache and I knew she just needed to poop but I nothing I did was helping her.  I fully blame myself.  I was giving her tummy aches and there was nothing that I could do about it.  Now I will tell you why I feel this way:

During this pregnancy I told myself that I would try and breast feed much longer than I did with Max (3 months).  In the hospital she was such a good "latcher" and she ate so good.  By the end of the day I could feel me getting sore and I knew what was ahead of me.  The Leche people always say if it hurts or you are in pain you are not doing it right.  Well, I don't believe that.  No matter if you do it right or not, it is still going to hurt.  Molly decided to be a "super sucker" and tear me apart.  By day 4 my girlie twins were cracked and bleeding.  Skin was actually coming off and when I pumped at night, I would pump blood into the bottle.  I finally went to a breastfeeding class cause I figured they could offer me tips on how to recover.  No tips.  I had been doing it all right I just had to keep breastfeeding cause that is what is most important.  So I kept on for a couple more days.  Still no relief and crying because it hurt so bad.  Clinching my teeth in agony.  Then one night I noticed one of the twins was very tender and hurt to the slightest touch.  I woke up that night with the chills and felt like I had the flu.  Yep, I got mastitis in my left twin.  I had to call the doctor and start antiobotics.  I finally had had enough.  With Max on my side crying and Molly on my boob and the house turned upside down and I still had not had my morning Diet Mountain Dew, I said THAT IS IT!!!  I can't do this.  I am not going to stress myself out to the point I go crazy.  So what if I am not the best Mom.  So what if I don't breast feed my child until they are a year old.  SO WHAT!!!  I am an OK mom and I take care of my children.  If I can't be sane, then I can't be a good mom anyway.

The nurse told me to put a sports bra on and do not touch my twins at all.  So I stopped nursing.  I went 5 days and on day 5 (yesterday) I had the breakdown.  I threw a blanket over my head and started crying.  Molly was screaming and I did this to her.  The formula made her constipated and gassy and now she is uncomfortable.  I made her uncomfortable so I could be in less pain.  I wanted a take back. I felt like the worst mom ever!   I told Jim that I was going to start pumping and get my milk back.  I knew it wouldn't take long because I still felt it come in.  I was panicing and didn't know what to do.  I had already gone 5 days of trying to dry up my milk.  If I started nursing again it would be for nothing.  I knew I would hate every second of breastfeeding and I would be in so much pain I would be absolute crazy.  Jim said I should do what my motherly intuition said to do.  All mom's intuition is to breast feed so that didn't work.  I had my shirt up and I was ready.  But I didn't.  Molly ended up pooping and she has been an angel all day today.  AND so have I.

So here is my conclusion.  I give mad props to all those who breastfeed their babies.  Everyone knows it is what is best for your babies.  BUT, I take care of 2 babies and I change their diapers and I love them and give them huggies and kisses and make sure they eat and give them baths so they are clean.  I do the best I can.  Even if it puts me as the 2nd greatest Mom, I am okay with that.  So I'm sorry to all the breastfeeding Nazi's out there that think I am a bad mom.  I think Molly and I will be just OK.  (except when the formula causes her to contract ocular herpes). hahaha

Oh, and it was my birthday on the 11th.  We went to Red Robin.  Real fun.


{Jesica Huffaker} said...

I think you're a great mom who has more patience with her kids than I probably will. Btw, Molly looks so stinkin cute in that jean dress!!

Matt and Brianna said...

Ok. STOP beating yourself up! I TOTALLY went through the same thing with Joe. Except I wasn't nursing just pumping (he was in the NICU) Well, I was pumping every 2 hours even in the middle of the night. While some would say so was rough for me! Not to mention I had to have the fancy rentals from the hospital. So I lasted a month. Long enough to get him home and I still wasn't producing enough, so I still was giving formula.

It was a hard choice. We are all taught what's "best".

Well, sometimes, what's best for mom IS best for baby!! It's not worth your sanity! She'll grow up just fine!

P.s...just found out I'm pregnant!!

Brenden+Nikki said...

Shalene! I know plenty of moms that breastfeed that are not the best moms! Breastfeeding alone is not the only indicator of a good mom that's for sure. You are so fun with Max - I've seen it first hand and know he is a happy happy boy. I know you guys will figure it out with Molly and find the formula that works with her tummy. And besides...even breastfeeding moms can make a food choice that gives their babies upset stomachs so definitely don't beat yourself up! You're doing great! And you're not an OK mom
, you're a fantastic mom!

P.S. I am just so shocked by Molly's dark hair!! I totally expected her to have red hair. But I love it! It's so thick and dark. She's beautiful!

kisha said...

K... ditto to what everyone else said. With Lincoln I thought I HAD to breastfeed or I was a bad mom. It's just not true... millions of babies are solely formula babies and they are just fine! Good luck with the rest. I hope things are getting better now that you took that stress away! It's just not worth it!

Melinda said...

It works for some people and not others. It is even easier with some babies and crazy harder with others. No pain what so ever with Carter and I thought I might die with my last. You are a great Mom! Don't beat yourself up! Molly is such a beautiful girl and all she needs is love not breastmilk!

Derin said...

She is beautiful! I am so glad she looks like Jimmy and Max looks like momma. Congrats!

Summer said...

1st...Molly is a beauty! What a little doll!! CONGRATS on the new addition.
2nd...Shalene, don't beat yourself up. You are a fantastic mom I am sure of it! Who ever said breastfeeding is best? No, I am sure that it has its nutrients, but it's not something to feel guilty about. What's best for mom is best for baby. My mom never breastfed any of us and I think we are just as healthy or smart as the next person. And I always think how far formula has come since then. I think it's personal preference. I know it's great for the immunities but sounds like Molly got the beginning stuff and that's what's best. Don't worry about it. I tried with my oldest - she was horrible at it and so was I, so it lasted 1 week. I breastfed my 2nd for 5 months until I got "detached nipple" - literally detached (OUCH!!) and I was done. And with my 3rd I didn't even try. Just realized that it wasn't for me and my sanity - and you know what - BEST decision I ever made! I've never looked back! So really, don't let it both you. Breastfeeding doesn't determine the kind of mom you are - you do...and I am sure you ROCK!

Linz said...

WHATEVER! I think it is so beyond lame for anyone to make ANY mom feel guilty about THEY decide to do with THEIR child! I stopped breastfeeding Libby at 3 months simply because I WAS DONE! I still feel pregnant when I am breastfeeding and contrary to what some people say I DO NOT think it is convienent (except at night!) but the bottom line is YOU are the MOM and you do what YOU need to do to take care of your kids (without having a mental breakdown!)! If momma aint happy aint nobody happy! Don't beat yourself up Shalene....mastitis KILLS like nobody's business!!!