Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Doomsayer diaries...

Fear #1

I got home from mutual tonight not feeling well.  Not sure if I'm getting sick or if my kids are wearing me down.  I wasn't too happy today and had a bit of the bored blues.  Either way, I sat on the floor complaining to Jim that I need something.  I am not sure what that something is, but I need it.  I need a break, a new body, to go shopping, a vacation, a new hair do, something yummy, a divorce (so I would only have the kids 1/2 the time, not because I really want a divorce)....I don't know what I need but I know I need something.  I'm sure he was looking at me like I was a total nut job.  At this moment Molly started vomiting and choking.  I ran to pick her up and she was still vomiting and NOT breathing.  Jim grabbed her out of my hands and started patting her on the back.  Still NOT breathing.  Milk started shooting out of her nose and she was dry heaving.  She kept pulling her head back and she wouldn't breathe.  She finally started to breathe a little but kept arching her back and dry heaving.  As you can assume, Jim and I were freaking out.  She started to calm down after 2 minutes with small whimpers.

A newborn vomiting, choking and NOT breathing is very scary.  What would we have done if she didn't start breathing?  Do I really know CPR?  Would I be able to remember how to do it if the time came?  Would the paramedics come in time to save her?  What if they didn't?  What if we lost Molly?

See, these are the things I think about on a weekly basis.  Jim calls me "negative nancy".  I know that I am an extreme DOOMSAYER.  Being a parent is scary.  It is our responsibility to keep these children alive.  Am I really smart enough to do this?

Fear #2

The other night Jim and I got a date night.  I really, really needed this.  Calli and Michael (my sister & hubby) watched Max and Molly for about 3 hours.  As we were getting into our car to leave the house, Michael was going to pick up a pizza around the corner.  I told him he should take Max, he would have fun.  So he did.

As we pull out the driveway, I began to think......What if he got in a car accident and Max was hit and died?  What would I do?  Putting his life in someone else's hands is scary.  If I was the one that got in the accident, I would be there with him.  It would be different.  So yes, the thought of Max in a car without me kind of scares me.  Only because I am a doomsayer.

Fear #3

I hear of stories where the Mom or Dad leaves their child in the car for hours in 100 degree weather and the child dies.  I hear of children getting run over with a family members vehicle.  I hear of kids drowning in their back yard pool.  I hear of kids running into the street and getting hit by a car.  I hear of kids wandering away from home and go missing while the parents were napping.

These are all scenarios that can easily be avoided.  However, they are all scenarios that we are all capable of letting happen.  We say they wouldn't happen, but would they?  I am terrified that I will accidently run over someone, let alone Max.  I am terrified that I wont be paying attention for 2 minutes and Max will run into the street or fall into the pool.  As much as I think it wouldn't happen to me, I am guilty of letting 2 minutes pass and wondering, "where is Max"?  I think these kinds of things happen because they happen.  I'm scared to death that they will happen.  and to me.


Jim and I started running.  Maybe I can lose some of this fat on my body.
15 lbs to go to get back to normal.  Then I need to shed another 10.

What my scales shows me.

Eric's Kim (sis-in law) made this little skirt for Molly.  It finally fits her.  So cute.  Molly is now smiling.  Things are looking up for not only her, but me.  I think we are both getting happier.

Max apparently hates the motorcycle.  We didn't really care and made him sit there anyway.  I finally blew off the inch thick dust off my motorcycle and took it for a spin.  Good thing Jim took it out first because the front brake didn't work.  I could see that going really well...

Jim became handy and fixed the brake.  It only took him 4 hours.  (I'm pretty sure it should have taken 20 minutes)  But he fixed it and that is all that matters.....right?

 I sewed the little ruffles on the back of this onezy for a tu-tu effect.  ( not worth the effort I put into it) And what better accessory to add other than the ol' legwarmers.  Cause you need warm legs in 98 degree weather right?

I am now drinking a 6-pack of soda a day.  This might sound really gross to  most of you.  I don't care, it's life.  Since I am depriving myself of good food, I head straight for the can for comfort.


Calli O. said...

Step one: Try to NOT be a doomsdayer. Life would suck for everyone if we all sat around and thought about the scary, crappy things in life. Just be glad you haven't been the victim of those scenarios. You have healthy, adorable kids, a big family, and a rad husband that would do anything for you. Now you just gotta appreciate that everyday when you wake up and things will get better. Happiness will increase, dependency on your 6-pack will decrease.

I know know, I don't have kids so I can't talk, but what if I can't have kids??? See... You always have something to be grateful for! You're a good mom, now have fun!

Brenden+Nikki said...

Shalene I totally have fears too. I am already terrified of deep water and I keep having these scenarios run through my mind of Collin in the ocean, Collin in the canal, Collin falling into the rushing water of the Mississippi Dam......I think it's totally normal to worry about your children. It keeps us alert. Our job is just to make sure we control them and not let them control us (the fears I mean, not our kids).....otherwise we'd be too afraid to let them explore life. (I keep having a fear that Collin will want to be a deep sea search and rescue diver or a surfer or anything else involving deep water and I can't think about it. I just want him to be a hamster veterinarian. That's the most harmless thing I can think of).

BTW Brenden and I were driving down the 202 the other day and this cool looking chick with a long braid down her back rode by on a motorcycle and my first thought was: "That is so cool! She's like the coolest chick ever for just jumping on a motorcycle and knowing how to drive it."

Brenden's first thought (which he said to me): "Is that Shalene?"

ha ha made me laugh.

Oh and lastly...just to make you feel better about your soda....with this pregnancy all I want is hot stuff. And I've been having a huge craving for Flamin' Hot Lays. I've put it off for 5 months, but I finally caved the other day and ate half the bag in one sitting. The whole time I kept telling myself "Nikki, get a grip! Control yourself! This is so gross!" But oh they sure did taste great. You just gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

Tyson and Stefanie Hyer said...

I also have those fears! It really scares me sometimes and I cannot think about it, because when I do it becomes so real to me that I actually can imagine it happening and it makes me cry! I have also been feeling that something needs to happen. Something different, something new, something better. It is really hard to be a stay at home mom. It has been really hard for me anyway. Keep up the great work, take good care of yourself to take good care of your kids, and enjoy life! Glad Molly is doing better!

superseany said...

Oh my word Jim, your kids are SO cute!! And I love their names! Congrats on a beautiful family!! ~Kellie O'Connor (Wilmoth)

Bonnie and Kirk said...
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Bonnie and Kirk said...
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