Wednesday, June 27, 2012


It's approaching the 4th of July and I've realized that half the year has already been lost.  I say lost because I'm not sure what happened.  A lot has happened, but holy crap.  Today was one of those days.  Those days you don't ever want to have.  I have been having quite a few days like today lately and it's making me mad.  I've been praying for patience every night for months now.  Along with the ability to show kindness to my kids.  For some reason and I really do believe this, the more I pray the more I yell at my kids and the more I am mean to them.  I know that is how it works.  We get tested.  I seem to fail this test every time.  I love my kids so much.  They consume my life.  For some reason though, in a split second I get so angry and yell and spank and raise my voice. (scream)  After I lose my temper I feel like a failure as a Mom.  I sort of want to cry because I realize they are just babies.  They don't know that slamming a door can result in a finger getting smashed.  They don't realize that leaving the back door open ALL the time results in a higher electric bill.  And they definitely don't know that peeing on the stairs, couch, floor, patio, bedroom and underwear is NOT ok. Oh, and wiping there cheeto hands all over the curtains and couches.

I'm not going to lie, I am stressed to the Max.  I'm sure I don't have anything more than anyone else, but I have new stresses that I am not familiar with.  So not only stressing about my kids and my lack of patience with them, I have added money to my list of things to stress about.  I thought that back in December when we decided that I would quit my job and move into a more affordable house, things would be tight, but they would be okay.  Well, I apparently was not living in reality.  This is not okay.  Waiting till pay day every other week in hopes that we make it is not okay.  That is not a way to live.  We always think we are going to "catch up" and we never do.  I often think that me quitting my job was not the right move.  I know we felt it was right and put much prayer into it.  I read what prophets said about the Mother staying at home with the kids and not having a job outside of the home.  It all felt right at the time and we had faith everything was going to be okay.  On paper it looks okay.  Off paper it's a nightmare for me.  I have been thinking about maybe getting a part time job somewhere.  But then I ask myself why I quit my job in the first place.  So I guess I'm stuck with the dilemma of do I go back to work so I don't stress so much or do I just keep putting my faith that things will be okay?'s not very realistic when you are a pretty realistic person.  It makes things much more difficult.

Here is what happened in JUNE and what I don't stress about:

Molly being so cute.

Max being completely potty trained.  

Molly not realizing that her bed was just 2 more steps away.  She has learned to crawl out of her crib.  So instead of buying a crib tent or a new bed, we just let her deal with it and shut the door.  She hasn't quite learned how to turn the door knobs.

Swimming, lots of swimming.

Baby Jade is here!!!  Sweetest little thing.  I don't get to see her much and it makes me sad.

THIS IS STRESSFUL:  Molly not quite potty trained yet.  Doing really good, but not quite there.  We are on day 10.  She had 3 accidents today.  7 successes.

More swimming.


{Jesica Huffaker} said...

We're probably not helping the stress level either :( You're not a bad mom though and you're not alone!

Candice and Steve said...

Shalene.....deep - out- in - out. I love you. Your dad and I are so proud of what a good mom you are. Enjoy the craziness - soon they'll be in grade school and you're be sad, then teenagers and you'll be mad. Then they find good mates and marry and you're really, really happy and proud- like us!! Can't wait for swim lesions next week!

Candice and Steve said...

I mean swim lessons.