Thursday, November 21, 2013

Insomnia isn't always a bad thing....right?

I've been up since 4:00am and really couldn't put myself back to sleep.  It's funny how in the night time when you can't sleep your brain starts to overload on ideas, memories and just stuff.  I couldn't help but just think about all the crap I think about that is wasting my thoughts.  Sometimes I just dwell on stuff that doesn't matter.  It's easy to say "stop thinking about it" when it's your brain and sometimes it has a mind of it's own.  So what I have come to realize from the lack of sleep tonight is that nothing really matters.  It doesn't matter what my clothes look like.  It doesn't matter where I bought them from or if they look like they're from 1997.  It doesn't matter if people perceive me as "poor".  Cause let's be honest, I am and I don't care if you know this.  It doesn't matter what you think of the decisions I make because I make them the best that I can.  AND sometimes I'll make bad ones....AND it's not your job to tell me it was.....It doesn't matter what car I drive because the point is to get from one place to another with it.  It's a moving piece of machinery that allows us to get places faster.  As a society we identify the car with the lifestyle of that person and judge accordingly.  Weird right?  (believe me I"m working on this one right now...see bottom post).  It doesn't matter how good I look or what shoes Im wearing because I only need to look good for my husband and myself.  It doesn't matter how cute and furnished my house is as long as it's clean.  I don't care what you are doing, buying, working on because that is YOUR business.  Whatever makes you happy makes YOU happy.  It doesn't need to make me happy.  Talking crap about people is EXHAUSTING.  I don't want to do it and I don't want you to do it around me.  Get a life and worry about it.  Don't worry about mine or anyone else.  I'm going to start worrying about mine and MINE only. (New Years Resolution)

With all that comes the more serious early morning thinking

....If God truly exists and Jesus Christ is really our Savior then the only thing that matters is the Gospel and my family.  I've been trying to read a lot more and I'm not sure it's doing any good in the matter of increasing and strengthening my testimony.  It's giving me facts which can be harming.  However, if I take away all the "crap" out of my life and put only what actually means something to me on the table only 3 things truly exist.  God, Jesus Christ and my family.  I don't know for sure that God exists.  I truly believe and hope he does.  I am not sure Christ was really our Savior.  However, I truly believe and hope he does.  I don't know if Joseph Smith was a true prophet or someone that was really clever, perseverant and knew the right words to say.  BUT....I believe and hope he was for the sake of mine and my family's earthly existence.  I don't want to be made a fool.  Our religion teaches us that we may know of a "surety" that things are true.  All we have to do is ask.  I have found that this is not the case.  It is not that easy.  We can't just kneel before God and ask and expect to get some clarifying answer.  I don't know how it works.  For the last 9 months I have been doing this and I still don't know.

I do know something though and this is what I have come to realize tonight during my insomnia battle. I do know that this religion of being Mormon is not a bad religion.  It only brings good into the world.  It helps the poor and afflicted.  It helps the world recover from natural disasters.  It helps people find peace and hope.  It demands that people become selfless and serve others.  It demands that we are charitable with our money.  It demands that we live a  "clean" life and not fill it with garbage and money wasting substances.  It demands that we teach our children right from wrong so they can become responsible adults and treat one another with respect.  It demands we teach them equality among all people.  No matter what color you are, race or what gender you are attracted to, we are all children of the same father.  I use the word "demand" because God does command us to be this way.  This isn't something just our religion teaches us.  If we have "Godliness" in us, these are not demands.  They are only demands for the non believer.  I don't know much really...But I am a heck of a believer and have hope.  For now I guess this is all I need.

moving on.

I'm headed into my 3rd trimester.  Yep, I'm going to gain 50lbs with this little girl.  It's depressing and disappointing and there is nothing I can do about it now.  I've been walking through my entire pregnancy I've just gone back to dance and I'm trying not to eat as much garbage as in the first.  But this is life and I just hope I can get it off really, really fast.  I'm excited for a new baby but nervous for the "baby blues' to kick in.  It lasted a little longer than I'd like with Molly so I'm scared.  However, looking back at baby pics of Max and Molly have just gotten me excited.  It's been 3 years since I've had a hopefully I'll be ready.

Jim just got done taking is GMAT test.  He scored good.  (average to good from what google tells me). He should hear back from ASU any day now.  Hopefully he'll start is MBA in January.  Can't wait to go into debt!!!! YAY!!!

Max is doing great in Preschool.  We are still working on his "talking".  Constructing sentences is hard for him but I think we'll work it out together.  He's a great student and super smart.  His teacher says he's well behaved which I think is most important at this age.  He has started to LOVE to sing.  He sings church songs all day long.  It's really cute.  He's teaching Molly them all so they both sing "I am a Child of God" all day long.  Not a bad song to have your kids sing right?

Molly is miss attitude right now.  She has to watch everything you do and she has to do everything herself or "her" way.  She's very demanding and somewhat bossy.  Im hoping it's a phase cause I have no idea how to fix it.  I'm sure our neighbors think we torture our kids because there are many nights she "screams it out" in her room with windows open.  I don't care.  I'm a big fan of sending you to your room to scream rather than me "beat you".  Just to clarify, I don't beat my children but the thought of it sure enters my mind.  (had to clarify this before some random reader calls CPS on me for saying I'm going to beat my kids)

Halloween was fun.  Molly was Strawberry Shortcake and Max was a ninja.  Jim and I were vampires. We stayed at home for about an hour passing out candy then headed over to my Moms house and hung out with the cousins.  I think the kids had fun.  It was the first time they enjoyed trick or treating.  They came home with so much candy and they ate it all.  I know for sure Molly gained 5 lbs and Jim and I for sure gained that probably more.

We took our kids to the State Fair this year.  They had a blast.  I couldn't ride any rides since I am pregnant and Jim only wanted to ride 1.  So the kids got to ride and ride.

Max got to see Monster Trucks in real life.  He thought it was really cool.  

We sold our Mazda that we have had for the past 4.5 years.  This was such a good car but we definitely out grew it.

And sadly, this is what we came home with.  I told Jim if he really wanted a mini van there is only one that I for sure don't want.  Yep, it's this one.  The Dodge Caravan.   I really don't like it "looks" wise, but when I'm driving it, it really is super comfortable.  The kids love it.  I am still working on acknowledging the fact I own and drive a mini van.  However I just have to keep remembering...MOVING PEACE OF MACHINERY and that's all that matters.....It's a comfortable machine for my kids which allows us to be safe and easy on our wallets when it comes to gas.  SENSIBLE and REALISTIC machinery .....

My cute little Max just got a haircut.  I can't believe how old my kids are getting.  They really do grow up so fast.  If my kids really knew how much I loved them, they would be scared.  I really need to work on showing them more.  I can be a mean mommy.  

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