Wednesday, September 3, 2014

losing baby barainca.

I'm sitting here at the computer ready to put in another journal entry.  Finally, I have a few minutes to sit here and update.  Right when I put my fingers on the keyboard I think to myself, "why is Goldie awake already?"  I swear she sleeps in 30 minute intervals.  I never can get anything done.  She is teething right now so is is not content no matter what she is doing.  Is it bad that I just let her stay in her bed til she gets REALLY mad?  Sometimes I just need an extra 5-10 minutes just to prepare to get her out of bed. hahahaha

We have had a rough 2 weeks.  I found out that I was pregnant in the middle of June.  Right about when Goldie turns 3 months.  It was a little depressing at first because we were not planning on getting pregnant this fast.  I mean who "plans" to get pregnant 2 months after they give birth.  Your stomach is still swollen, you just got done bleeding and you are still having sleepless nights.  Well, in my case I wasn't having sleepless nights, but I did still have a little baby.  Which is a TON of work. Given, this baby was so much easier than the last time.  Having older kids around makes it so much easier.  They were able to get me things I needed, let me know when she was crying and they could take care of themselves.

Ooooh, I think Goldie put herself back to sleep.  Hallelujiah!

Anyway, so the first couple of weeks I found out I was in a bit of depression.  I was working out really hard and trying to lose the last 10 lbs of the 50 I gained with Goldie.  My stomach was almost back to the original size and I could fit back into my jeans.  Then BOOM, I'm having another one!!  After the few weeks of feeling sorry for myself (which was pure selfishness, I am aware) I started to get excited.  Jim was excited from day one.  We thought about having 2 so close together.  Even though we knew it was going to be really hard, we were excited they would be so close and such good friends.  I started to embrace being pregnant.  On top of all of this Calli was pregnant too.  We were due around the same day.  It was going to be so fun to have our babies the same age.  I still was working out and I was eating "clean".  It's a Paleo version diet that is supposed to be awesome for pregnant ladies.  I just hit the 12 week mark and decided to tell people.  I had a little belly so I figured people would start wondering.  I told my family, a few of my friends and a few people from church.  We were officially excited for another little Barainca to come into our lives.  AND, the greatest news of all is that I hadn't gained ONE single pound.  I usually had gained 15 with the others at 12 weeks.

I had hit 14 weeks and it was a Wednesday night.  I was getting ready to go to bed when after using the bathroom I wiped some brown discharge.  We have been through miscarriages before so every time colored discharge or blood gets wiped during pregnancy, we think the worse.

Ok, Goldie is up...dang :(

So, we went to bed with what in my heart I knew was bad news.  I woke up in the middle of the night and started wiping blood.  In the morning when Jim woke up, there was more blood.  We had a good cry.  Given, we didn't know for sure we had lost the baby, but I did.  The Doctor wanted to get me in for an ultrasound that afternoon.  There they confirmed the baby had no heart tones.  14 weeks pregnant and my baby had died.  I had heard this happening to other women, but not me.  I thought I was clear once I hit the 10 week mark.  This came out of nowhere and I was completely shocked.  I bawled my eyes out the entire way home from the Doctors office.  Once I got home, Jim and I just cried.  Cried for hours.  I think I was crying all day, on and off.  This was the saddest news for us.  However, the tragedy hadn't started yet.  The Doctor gave me the choice to pass the fetus at home or schedule a DNC.  I was a little nervous to have the DNC so I decided do pass it at home.  I passed my first one at home and it wasn't that bad.  This was not a good decision.

I started having contractions Sunday night.  They were JUST as bad as regular full term contractions.  They lasted about 2 and half hours.  Once they stopped, I knew something was coming.  I sat on the toilet and could feel something starting to slide.  Except it stopped.  There was something there but it was stuck.  It was too big.  Besides bleeding and bleeding more, the baby was stuck.  THIS IS GOING TO GET GRAPHIC.  Jim grabbed some gloves and pulled.  He pulled very gently and got the sack out.  He put it into a bucket.  Now came even more and more blood.  I could feel there was more tissue that needed to come out and it was stuck too.  Jim tried to pull it out but I could feel that it was not detached.  I could feel it in my stomach that the placenta was still attached to something.  But the blood didn't stop.  for 45 minutes I sat there and bled, faucet style bleeding.  We didn't know what to do since this massive something was stuck.  I called the nurse hotline from our insurance and talked to a nurse.  I told her I was feeling fine and didn't feel light headed.  Well 30 seconds later I had to put the phone down and I called for Jim.  PASSED OUT COLD.  I finally came to 2 minutes later.  However, I couldn't quite get back to normal.  I felt really wouzy.  The nurse told Jim to take me to the hospital.  We tried calling everyone we knew that lived close to us.  Everyone was sleeping as it was now 12:30AM.  We finally got in touch with Kyle and KIm and Kim came over to watch the kids.  We got to the ER and they had me take a seat.  Well 1 minute later that seat was pouring over with blood.  All over the seat and pouring all over the floor.  Nurses came out of nowhere and put me on the bed.  I'm pretty sure there were about 6 nurses and a doctor working on me.  Trying to get an IV into my vein and digging around in my "you know what".  They couldn't get my veins to work as my blood pressure was so low and I was dehydrated.  PASSED OUT COLD again.  I woke up to a nurse rubbing my chest.  It was the weirdest thing ever.  Then the doctor told me I need to bear down and push.  I was having another baby!!!  Except I didn't have a baby.  It was the most traumatic thing.  The Doctor told me if she couldn't get the placenta out they were going to have to rush me into emergency surgery to stop the bleeding.  So they called in the professional.  I'm guessing he was the MASTER of OBGYN at the hospital.  He came in and holy crap.  Had the pelvic exam of a lifetime for about 5 minutes.  He finally got the placenta to detach and you won't even believe the crap that came out.  Blood clots the size of a sandwhich bag ziploc FILLED.  They kept on coming.  It was super nasty.  They made me stay another 24 hours for observation.  I kept on passing clots and bleeding like crazy but after about 8 hours it slowed down a bit.

I was relieved.  It was over.  I mentally dealt with this loss and now physically I have dealt with it.  It felt good.  We still had our cries, and still do.  Just this past Saturday we both cried our eyes out in the kitchen after the kids had all gone to bed.  Jim actually saw the baby after he pulled it out of me.  He wouldn't let me see it.  I could hear him downstairs after he put it into the bucket and I could hear him crying.  He was crying hard.  Once I heard him crying, I knew he had looked in the bucket.  He said it was text book.  It looked just like an 11 week old baby in the text books.  He says he thinks about that baby every day when the information stops moving in his head.  Whenever there is a moment of quietness, he thinks about that baby.  It's hard.  It sucks.  However, the one good thing was after all this.....I still had a baby.  My sweet Goldie.

1 comment:

Brenden+Nikki said...

My gosh Shalene that is so hard. No one should have to experience that. I'm so so sorry. You have such a good perspective though and that really can help get you through anything. Love you and your sweet family.